that woman
Feb. 18th, 2009 06:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nathaliathat woman knows how to make a fucking entrance. She's not even here and I'm pissed off already. Why does she have to do it to me over and over again? I want to be gone. I tell myself that it doesn't hurt but it fucking does. And I don't know if I can do it. I don't even want to try. I just want it to stop, get away from her for ... is forever too much?
I know it's wrong not to want her around but I just can't help it. Isn't staying away the thing you're supposed to do when you know that someone will only keep hurting you if you come too close? And yet that's what they want me to do. That's what I'm expected to do and I don't know how much longer I can keep up with that. I just want to escape. I want to get away, I don't want to see her, I don't even think I need to talk to her, listen to her lies when she tells me she's fine. Because she isn't. And when she is, it's only a short-term thing. Why can't people see it?
I used to get so excited when she came, now it's almost reversed, now I want her to be gone before she has even arrived and I ask myself what's wrong with me. Why can't I love her like a daughter is supposed to love her mother? Why can't I stand being around her? I should have more faith in her but I've lost that. I don't even deny it anymore and I am told that I have to be more tolerant, expect more from her but how can I when all she does is disappoint me and break my heart?
In my notebook, I referred to it as an abusive relationship and it is on so many ways but I can't say it aloud without people looking at my shocked, not believing that I really just said taht, that this is how I feel about it because that's not what they expect me to do. And because of that I don't talk about it, because I will seem like the evil, uncaring daughter. Because it's easier to identify with the one who keeps trying than the one who has given up.
I know it's wrong not to want her around but I just can't help it. Isn't staying away the thing you're supposed to do when you know that someone will only keep hurting you if you come too close? And yet that's what they want me to do. That's what I'm expected to do and I don't know how much longer I can keep up with that. I just want to escape. I want to get away, I don't want to see her, I don't even think I need to talk to her, listen to her lies when she tells me she's fine. Because she isn't. And when she is, it's only a short-term thing. Why can't people see it?
I used to get so excited when she came, now it's almost reversed, now I want her to be gone before she has even arrived and I ask myself what's wrong with me. Why can't I love her like a daughter is supposed to love her mother? Why can't I stand being around her? I should have more faith in her but I've lost that. I don't even deny it anymore and I am told that I have to be more tolerant, expect more from her but how can I when all she does is disappoint me and break my heart?
In my notebook, I referred to it as an abusive relationship and it is on so many ways but I can't say it aloud without people looking at my shocked, not believing that I really just said taht, that this is how I feel about it because that's not what they expect me to do. And because of that I don't talk about it, because I will seem like the evil, uncaring daughter. Because it's easier to identify with the one who keeps trying than the one who has given up.
