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nathaliaI’m bleeding.
I just hit my closet very hard repeatedly while thinking of a person whose name will not be stated but only implied, I know I’m not the one with the big problem, but He just makes me furious every once in a while, makes me want to hit things. It’s not the way I feel when Jessi’s talking, it’s different, it’s more personal, more emotional. It’s not that I want to hit Him so he’ll shut up because he isn’t talking, I want to hit something because I’m mad at him for hurting Silly.
It goes away and then sometimes it just comes back without a reason and I have to hit something. Today while talking to Silly on the phone, I punched the wall a few times and my knuckles hurt really badly, but not that much that it caused some physical damage (neither on the wall nor on my hand). But now, the closet showed me that hitting it can hurt and bleed quite a bit.
I know that I express my anger differently than Silly does, I know that I show it on the outside, that I want to make the pain go away by hitting things (or in Jessi’s case people), but it doesn’t happen that frenquently that I feel more than the wish to hit something. But today, I have done it at least twice.
It just hurts so much to see Silly like this, broken, in despair, and I know that I can’t do anything, that it will take time for the pain to go away in her, but I hadn’t thought that her psychologial pain would affect me in this way.
Honestly, I like Him, He’s nice and all, but He has made me angrier than most other people. I only remember feeling this furious once and that was when my grandmother phoned my mother’s friends and begged them to come spend time with her because she was drinking and forgetting to turn the stove off. I remember exactly how my mother told me about this, it was on a Wednesday evening in the car, we were almost at home and my grandmother would leave in a day or so and I just wanted to storm into the house and yell at her, cause her physical damage, punch her, do whatever.
So, that’s about how I feel now, but it’s different, I don’t know how, it just is.
He makes me mad. Sometimes more, then less. And sometimes he makes me want to punch things so hard that I start bleeding.
I wonder how Silly can deal with this. It’s hard for me and God, it shouldn’t be, I shouldn’t be too affected by it, I should be mad at him for Silly’s sake, not for my own, but I am. I am really, really mad and I don’t understand why. I can’t understand how Silly can deal with so much pain.
I just hit my closet very hard repeatedly while thinking of a person whose name will not be stated but only implied, I know I’m not the one with the big problem, but He just makes me furious every once in a while, makes me want to hit things. It’s not the way I feel when Jessi’s talking, it’s different, it’s more personal, more emotional. It’s not that I want to hit Him so he’ll shut up because he isn’t talking, I want to hit something because I’m mad at him for hurting Silly.
It goes away and then sometimes it just comes back without a reason and I have to hit something. Today while talking to Silly on the phone, I punched the wall a few times and my knuckles hurt really badly, but not that much that it caused some physical damage (neither on the wall nor on my hand). But now, the closet showed me that hitting it can hurt and bleed quite a bit.
I know that I express my anger differently than Silly does, I know that I show it on the outside, that I want to make the pain go away by hitting things (or in Jessi’s case people), but it doesn’t happen that frenquently that I feel more than the wish to hit something. But today, I have done it at least twice.
It just hurts so much to see Silly like this, broken, in despair, and I know that I can’t do anything, that it will take time for the pain to go away in her, but I hadn’t thought that her psychologial pain would affect me in this way.
Honestly, I like Him, He’s nice and all, but He has made me angrier than most other people. I only remember feeling this furious once and that was when my grandmother phoned my mother’s friends and begged them to come spend time with her because she was drinking and forgetting to turn the stove off. I remember exactly how my mother told me about this, it was on a Wednesday evening in the car, we were almost at home and my grandmother would leave in a day or so and I just wanted to storm into the house and yell at her, cause her physical damage, punch her, do whatever.
So, that’s about how I feel now, but it’s different, I don’t know how, it just is.
He makes me mad. Sometimes more, then less. And sometimes he makes me want to punch things so hard that I start bleeding.
I wonder how Silly can deal with this. It’s hard for me and God, it shouldn’t be, I shouldn’t be too affected by it, I should be mad at him for Silly’s sake, not for my own, but I am. I am really, really mad and I don’t understand why. I can’t understand how Silly can deal with so much pain.
