nathalia

I feel so bad for doing this but I really can't help it. Yes, I know I'm supposed to be cynical and make evil comments about things but I really can't help it which is why this entry can only be seen by friends, so that not everybody in this world notices that I can be ... ugh, like this. I feel ashamed of it, I really do and I wish I weren't feeling that way but I just am.

When Silly first developed a crush on Stefan, I made fun of her because that's just what I do. I know very well that one of my major character flaws is that I enjoy rubbing things into people's faces by making mean comments. Another major character flaw of mine is that I can't make compliments and when I actually want to praise someone, I have to do it in a sarcastic fashion or say something not so nice about it (like with Isi's new hairdo). I know very well that I register the good things, but I don't comment on them, instead I keep teasing people with things and sometimes I worry about hurting people, particularly my friends with it although most people seem to understand in some way or another that this is just how I am.

But I got off track. What I wanted to say is that even after Silly and Stefan got together, I kept teasing her about it in some way. And mentioning Benjamin Wieland is the greatest thing ever, hands down. I knew she wasn't interested in him, but still... Of course I registered how happy she was with him and I was happy for her, which of course I never said because I just can't. And the fact that Silly is so easily shaken by little comments always made it worthwhile. 

I always had the impression that no matter how much Silly loved Stefan and she did love him very much -- she still does --, he loved her more than she did love him which is vital in a relationship. If it's supposed to work out, the guy has to love the girl more than she loves him. Even shortly before he broke up with her, I felt this way about the matter.

They were a cute couple. He made her very happy even though every once in a while he was annoying, complaining about her and her horses. Ali, Isi and I always mock-complained about it but we are allowed to do so, we are her best friends. He was her boyfriend and in that position, he was not allowed to make comments about it the way her girlfriends are allowed to. Which makes it acceptable for me to tell her she goes to the Berghof too often, but when he does it, it's totally unacceptable.

When he called it quits, she was devastated and didn't want it to be true. She told us more than once how mad she was at him and there was this obvious animosity she built up towards him which is totally understandable after a break-up. She tried to pretend she was over him, talking about other guys such as Alberto and Felix Moch and now this other guy who she is talking about right now. But it was so obvious that she wasn't over Stefan like she wanted to make us -- and maybe herself -- believe. 

She wanted us to hate Stefan during this period which none of us did. He's a great guy. The only thing I still resent him for is having broken her heart because nobody is allowed to do that to my Silly. Even though it mostly doesn't seem like this, I am very protective of her, probably a lot more than I am protective of Isi or Ali because Silly is an unsecure girl, always worrying about not being pretty enough when she is just gorgeous and has a perfect body, no need to lose weight. She keeps saying she is stupid when she is everything but. 

Her intelligence is very much there: she's able to think logically and is empathic and empathy signifies great intelligence. The problem is that when she makes a mistake -- and everybody makes mistakes -- she takes it harder than most people who would just shrug it off. She displays an astonishing loyalty and ability to forgive which are all signs of her grandure. 

She is a truly good person.

And this is Nath, who doesn't really believe in the existance of truly good people, talking. I think Silly is one of the very few people I would call good. I don't want to offend other friends, but that's just how it is. Silly is the kind of good person who doesn't wish anyone anything bad (there are a handful of exceptions that aren't worth mentioning because you can't wish people like Doro anything good). She has a heart of gold, is honest and so many other things that are very admirable. I am just picking a few of many, many qualities that she can call her own. Her goodness is why she believes and trusts people and this is where her naivety she herself sometimes mistakes for stupidity when it is in most cases such a wonderful, admirable quality.

And as I was saying before I went into praising mode (I think I won't be able to say ANYTHING good about anything for at least a month now), no matter how much Silly tried to conceal it, she still loves Stefan. And as she said today (and I wrote yesterday), if they manage to become friends, it's very likely that at some point, they will be an item again. 

But it won't be within the next week or so. I think that now it's important that she focusses on things besides Stefan, lets the friendship slowly but surly grow. Now more than ever she should get into some kind of short-lived not too serious relationship just to show him that she isn't just wainting for him to come on his white horse (or preferrably a donkey) and don't know. I just think that she shouldn't let it look as if she's only waiting for him.