Caution: Fluff!!
Jun. 27th, 2007 03:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nathaliaSo, I have an email by Junior in my inbox. It's the only one I haven't read yet, the other ones were already read and answered and now I am looking at the Marvel Newsletter very carefully something I usually never do, I just skim over it, but I don't want to open that e-mail.
I don't know why that is, I know that it is stupid and childish because I know that he is nothing but a guy I was with once and for whom I have never even had romantic feelings, just a very close friendship. But we haven't talked for months now which is why I wrote him an email asking if he was still alive and I got an answer and now I don't want to read it. How fucked up is that?
Gmail shows the first few words of every email you get, at least mine does, it probably depends on the settings, and what I can read of his is "ohhh nathalia tb estou morrendo de saudades de vc." ("Oh, Nathalia, I'm missing you very bad as well.") And when I look at these nine words, I can hear his voice in my head saying them because it sounds so much like something he would say.
God, how can a man confuse me so much? This doesn't mean too much as there have been / are / will be others, but Junior is just a special case for more than one reason. It felt right when I was with him and we only spent about a week together and still we established so much of a connection during this week.
There is this stupid thing, the fact that I know that I will never cry because of him and that there will be men in my life who will do just that and this puts him in a special place.
In February, when we used to chat every morning when I got up and he kept asking me about guys, if there was someone special in my life, íf I regretted anything, what I had been up to since we parted ways ... He is a friend, but a different kind of friend, a kind of friend I probably won't ever find again. He has a way of asking those questions very directly in a way that could be rude but that's not how I feel about it. I don't really feel any shame when talking about these things with him.
How can I be so totally over him, never have had any feelings beyond friendship, yet be so distraught about an email that I don't even want to read it? This is very strange because I would really like to talk to him about something that I am very unsure and that is bothering me but is also something I can't discuss with anyone else. It's something I should figure out myself, but I'm not sure if I can, at least not right now.
I don't know why that is, I know that it is stupid and childish because I know that he is nothing but a guy I was with once and for whom I have never even had romantic feelings, just a very close friendship. But we haven't talked for months now which is why I wrote him an email asking if he was still alive and I got an answer and now I don't want to read it. How fucked up is that?
Gmail shows the first few words of every email you get, at least mine does, it probably depends on the settings, and what I can read of his is "ohhh nathalia tb estou morrendo de saudades de vc." ("Oh, Nathalia, I'm missing you very bad as well.") And when I look at these nine words, I can hear his voice in my head saying them because it sounds so much like something he would say.
God, how can a man confuse me so much? This doesn't mean too much as there have been / are / will be others, but Junior is just a special case for more than one reason. It felt right when I was with him and we only spent about a week together and still we established so much of a connection during this week.
There is this stupid thing, the fact that I know that I will never cry because of him and that there will be men in my life who will do just that and this puts him in a special place.
In February, when we used to chat every morning when I got up and he kept asking me about guys, if there was someone special in my life, íf I regretted anything, what I had been up to since we parted ways ... He is a friend, but a different kind of friend, a kind of friend I probably won't ever find again. He has a way of asking those questions very directly in a way that could be rude but that's not how I feel about it. I don't really feel any shame when talking about these things with him.
How can I be so totally over him, never have had any feelings beyond friendship, yet be so distraught about an email that I don't even want to read it? This is very strange because I would really like to talk to him about something that I am very unsure and that is bothering me but is also something I can't discuss with anyone else. It's something I should figure out myself, but I'm not sure if I can, at least not right now.
